I heard a guy talking last week about all the things we as Christians love....
so I thought about it a lot ... and I thought I would add to his list.
1. Reading "Love is Patient" at weddings.
If you're a Christian and you're getting married, this is almost a requirement. Honestly, if you don't read 1 Corinthinas 13 at your wedding, there are some people who just won't come. It's the go-to verse. It's like playing "We will rock you" at football games.
2. Lock-ins.
You know what sounds like a GREAT idea? Getting like 80 immature 9th graders, get them a lot of caffeine and cookies, give them water balloons, shaving cream and toilet paper for pranks, and then lock them all in together overnight at church and just see what happens. Yea, let's do that.
3. Making music that is impossible to work out to.
I wish this one wasn't true, but it is. There are probably 3 good Christian songs to work out to. Have you ever tried to play Brandon Heath or Jeremy Camp on your iPod and get motivated to run at the same time? Maybe some people CAN run to Jesus Freak? I dunno.
4. Talking to strangers on planes.
There is only one way to witness to a stranger on a plane that is better than all other ways. It's almost as if we have been doing it ever since those brothers took the first flight. You simply read your Bible the whole flight. It will be the topic of discussion in no time. Why is it that people seem to witness the most on planes? Maybe because your suspended in the air relying on God and 5 thousand tons of steel? Well, it works.
5. The Tankini
I'm pretty sure somewhere in the Old Testament, God says that He does not like bikinis. Therefore, the tankini. The tankini is kind of what would happen if you cut a one piece in half. It's a tank top on top and a regular bathing suit on the bottom. It was orginally created in a church labratory for youth group outings to the beach. I don't have any facts, but that's a guess.
6. Chick-Fil-A
I have never been a HUGE Chick-Fil-A fan. Their food is quick, not super fast; and cost efficient, but not really cheap. The reason Christians like this restraunt is because it is a company with Christian values. They don't have a Jesus fish on their business cards and their fries are not called "trinity taters." They ARE closed on Sundays. And that is a huge statement coming from a company who still brings in tens of millions of dollars on the weekends.
Maybe I could start throwing my Chick-Fil-A receipts in the offering plate at church? Maybe not.
7. Frisbee - God's favorite sport.
I can't prove this, but I think Christians might be better at frisbee than non-Christians. It doesn't seem very scientific, but it feels about right. I'm pretty sure everyone that grew up in the church can really throw the frisbee. I like to imagine Jesus and the disciples out on the shores of Galilee playing a game of ultimate frisbee. Robes would be flying in the wind, beards flapping in the wind as they all laughed and played. In fact, I could go for a game now.
8. Not knowing how to baptize tall people.
I don't have any proof, but I imagine when the pastor sees someone tall join a baptism class, they frown a little. They know that in a few weeks, they will be up in front of everyone trying that akward "tall person baptism." The person may try to bend a little, folding their legs so the pastor can dip them in the water. After the dip, when the "baptee" is standing, I, (and everyone else in the audience) can let out a sigh of relief.
9. Turning ushers into the secret service.
There is a bit of a revolution going on in the world of ushering. I have not been an usher before, so I may not be qualified to discuss this topic, but I will anyways. Ushers are becoming more and more like the secret service. You know, the often silent but dangerous group of people protecting the President of the United States of America. How did this happen? I have a couple warning signs:
Earpieces and walkie talkies: Some churches have started wiring ushers for communication. What do they talk about? "This is tall Paul, we have two smokeys looking for 3 hot seats, I repeat, 3 hot seats." Well, now that I think about it. It sounds like fun.
Hand signals: What happened to waving down people with just your arm? I can't tell anymore if there is simply some middle row seats available or if they are escaping a sniper and found a good hiding place in the bamboo down by the river.
Oh, and if you ever see ushers stretching and warming up before the service starts. Be afraid.
10. The "eveyone is on vacation, anything goes" church service.
It's no secret that the Sunday before a big holiday, church is going to be a little different. They are going to mix it up a little. A lot of churches have their youth pastors get up and preach this Sunday. Pastors know that they would rather have the young pastor say something crazy to 400 people rather than 800. Same thing with music. You're bound to see some guy that is usually in the background step forward and play a wacky guitar solo.
11. Singing the 1st and 3rd verses of hymns.
Although hymns are becoming more rare, it's an understanding with music pastors that if you sing the whole song through, an angel loses its wings. Am I the only one that has expirienced this before? I swear, growing up, we never ever sang all the verses of the hymn.
Maybe....... years ago, some practical joke loving worship leader professor told his students that God hates when we sing all the verses in a row. Or maybe, hymn writers don't really try very hard on the 2nd and 4th verses? Just a thought.
12. Always sitting in the same seat at church.
Need I say more? I'll just skip straight to my theories:
Santa Clause theory: Kids don't want to be anywhere they don't usually go on Christmas, because they are afraid Santa won't be able to find them, and therefore not deliver any presents. Maybe we think the same thing will happen with God. We've connected with Him for 12 years in the middle aisle, 2nd pew for 14 years now, and if we move to the balcony one Sunday, we are afraid God will show up in the 2nd pew and say "Whoa, you're not Kelly. My bad. Where is Kelly? This is her seat. Weird. Guess she doesn't want any blessings today."
Scoot theory: Most the time people that want to take your seat ask you to "scoot over." Scooting over is the worst. You have all your stuff out - Bible, pen, notebook, glasses, purse, coffee, and donut. And then here comes the "I completely forgot that for he last 7 years church has started at the exact same time" dude that wants you to scoot.
Visitor Identification theory: Maybe people sit in the exact same place every Sunday so that its easy to spot a visitor when they are sitting in your seat.
And last but not least ....
13. The Double Greeting.
The double greeting is a pretty common illness that affects pastors at the very beginning of sermons. This is what it looks like:
Pastor: "Good Morning!"
Audience: "Good Morning"
Pastor: (Sensing that the crowd's volume did not meet his standards) "I said, 'Good Morning!'"
Audience: (A little annoyed and embarrased that their greeting did not meet some unspoken standard, raises their voices and repeats) "Good Morning!"
Pastor: "That's more like it"
That's the end to my long and rambling post. They've been on my mind for 24 years.
